Maybe Baby: An Open Discussion on the Topic of ‘To Baby or Not to Baby’

[…] when I first started it I wasn’t even sure we’d ever even have kids. Remember my maybe baby post?! So a lot of the names became reserved for future pets, which was fun actually, since […]

Girl, I could have written this post myself. I wrote a similar-ish one after E was born even – https://thesweetestoccasion.com/2016/09/i-never-planned-to-have-a-baby-ever/ I STILL maintain 2+ years after her birth that as much as I am so so so so happy she is mine and I wouldn’t trade her for anything, I really believe I’d have been fine without being a mother in the traditional sense. I think it’s such a deeply personal decision and I’m glad you’ve found some clarity! xoxo

Thanks so much for writing this. This discussion is one that my husband and I have had so many times. We’ve been more of in the boat of me wanting kids and him really being unsure about it, fearing it will change our lives in a negative way. None of my close friends have had kids yet, so we are the first ones beginning to seriously think about it. Recently what solidified my opinion and helped sway my husband’s was attending the funeral of his grandmother. We realized that as we get old, the only people who will be around will be family, especially as friends too grow old and die. Family will be the ones to take care of us and visit us when we are in a nursing home and also be the ones to which we feel we are leaving our legacy to. From that experience of realization, we have both come to agree to that having kids is in our future, but just not quite yet!

Brittni, your honesty and vulnerability is truly amazing! I’m 25 and when I was younger, I used to want to have 5 kids! I know, crazy. But now that I’m in my mid-twenties, the idea of having kid(s) is kind of scary if I’m being honest. Not only that, but I feel like when you tell people you don’t want to have kids, they give you this look of like . . . disapproval. You’re definitely right of the whole having a baby is NOT a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. And I feel like this post really helped a lot of people feel okay with the fact that “hey, I like how my life is now and I don’t feel like I need/want to have any kids.”

Also, the part about your dog was precious. We actually put down our family dog the week before Christmas. She was the first dog we brought into our family and after 16 years, you better believe she was something of a “child” in my eyes! 🙂

Again, beautiful post and thank you for your vulnerability and honesty.

-Caroline

I liked reading this, thanks for sharing! I am one of those persons that always knew I wanted kids. I also felt a heavy physical urge to do so at a certain point in my life, as if my whole body told me to get pregnant. Getting pregnant turned out to be very difficult, but long story short, we have 2 daughters now. I wouldn’t want to miss them for the world, they make me the happiest person on earth… BUT I also can sometimes really miss the days before them, and find mothering much harder than I would ever have imagined. They just take all my energy, which is logical but I am just a human and sometimes (often) it just is too much. The constant demands, the yelling and fights between these 2 (although they can be soooo sweet to each other too, I LOVE those moments the most!!). I must say that I found the baby phase somehow easier, even though we had our share of bad sleeping, difficult eating, … Now I have to think about how to set boundaries, how to teach certain things, how to get them to listen, all those more complicated things. And they are just 4 and 6, so it is just beginning 🙂 On the other hand, they are so funny and sweet and loving, and I miss them when I don’t see them for a day, I love seeing how they discover the world, how they see things, I find it so interesting to see how they develop, and all that. Again, I never ever regret the decision to have kids. But not having kids is definitely easier, unless it’s unvoluntarily…

It does change your relationship, but I can’t say it changed us in a bad way. Although I had to be careful not to lose myself in motherhood. It took me several months to get back a little bit in the role of partner, next to mom. Which is fine, and you can not always predict how you will be once you have that baby in your hands, But as long as you can very openly talk about it all, I think you should be fine. Babies are definitely not relationship rescue material, rather the contrary. But it can also strengthen your bond, as long as you manage to always connect with each other, and immediately talk about it when something doesn’t feel right or good.

But babies change even more your freedom than your relationship. That is the biggest change ever, in my opinion. But from a certain age you can also just take them along. We did a trip to Belize and visited jungle, remote islands without electricity, temples, homestays, … So it’s not impossible to travel like that, it just takes some more energy. But it still is different, you just can’t do anything anywhere anytime.

I don’t know if that helps at all 🙂 I would definitely do it again, absolutely. But I think I didn’t have the complete picture, and felt so urged by my longing and body and … , and maybe also thinking it thorugh helps a bit when you decide 🙂 BUT I also am very much convinced that you are just NEVER ready. What does that even mean? Did you think when you got your sweet dog (and I am so sorry for your loss!!!!) that she would have such a big place in your hearts and lives? I guess not. Would you have thought of moving to a place you didn’t like that much before you got a dog? I don’t think so… And yet you did it, and felt so much love it was all worth it. I tend to think it is a little bit like that with babies too 🙂

Good luck!!

For quite a long time I thought that someday I would have children but each time I was asked, my answer was “not for the moment, thank you !”.
And then in my 30th year I had to change my IUD. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 8 years and he had just bought an apartment for us, but I realized that we hadn’t talked about children for a while. So we did, and now I’m expecting baby number 2!
I think I had to be sure to be “secure”. With a stable job, a home and a partner who I trust to be there and do his part of the parenting job, I finally could decide to be a mom.

Thank you for sharing this! I can totally relate! I’ve always been in the maybe camp for all the same reasons as you. I also never had that feeling that I’ve always wanted kids. But I also can’t imagine myself at age 60 and not having kids. I guess the fear of having regret not having kids at the end of my life outweighs the rest.
Last year there was a huge babyboom among my friends and I have to say that changed my mind as well. So I guess that deep down I know that I want kids.
But, there is a big but. My partner has a genetic disease that we don’t want to pass on. So we would have to go through the whole process of IVF. That scares me A LOT. It’s a though process. And a long one. If it succeeds at all.
My partner and I have said that if we decide to give it a try, 2018 is the year to do it. We’ll see how it goes…

Hey Brittni!
I love the conversation! I think you get to an age, all your friends are having kids and you feel like you should decide one way or another. It’s so different for everyone and I honestly feel like one day you will just know what you want to do. It will happen organically. You may not know for 2, 3, 4 or more years but one day you’ll know. Life sort of falls into place. But whatever you do, don’t wonder “what would it have been like to live the other life” because the life you have is the one you are supposed to have! And you are wonderful at what you do! But chubby baby legs ARE the best!

I appreciate your honesty. That said, I am very pro having kids-you will never be “ready”. You will frequently doubt your choice. You will bicker with your husband. Kids become your focus as a couple and you will sometimes feel a little crazy. I never thought “oh all I want is a baby!” I only had my first son (now 20) at the time I did was because I was lazy with my birth control for 10 days. I would have waited forever planning for the perfect time—there is no such thing! Jump into the deep end unless you completely hate the idea of having to put your needs second and have very little ability to be flexible with daily schedules and routines. I have 2 boys ( my other is 15) they are my greatest accomplishments. I would honestly die for them. I would kill the person who hurts them. They are the only people in my life I feel this way about. I love my husband very much but the love for a child is the deepest you’ll ever feel. I can’t imagine my life without my boys! Do it!

Commiserations on losing Luna, furry people should never be assumed to be less important in our lives because they have fur.
Congratulations on your bravery & honesty in this posting.
I’m 60 and had an unbelievably horrific childhood (biological parents made Hitler & The Spanish Inquisition look like a walk in the park) & despite full time care of my baby brother (he was 10 days old, I was 2.5 yrs) I always knew I wanted to be a Mummy, and a good one.
Fast forward got raped at 17 and lost my daughter when 5 1/2 months pregnant (due to childhood had no idea I was pregnant until 5 months or how). Married at 23 I’d had to go through labour because I have small pelvis and Drs. were saving me a caesarean for later life. 14 miscarriages later I learnt that I would never be able to carry a baby to term due to the abuse & my daughter was a miracle to have stayed so long. I have brought up 7 children from birth (including brother) and 4 older ones from 6 months & 2/3 years.
Each and every one is my child in my heart, BUT, for me there will always be a regret at not having carried my own baby.
I’ve broken the abuse cycle, I’ve been a fantastic Mum figure as evidenced that my children are living happy, independent lives doing what is right for them.
In my heart though I’m still not a Mummy, I didn’t carry my children (though sympathetic morning sickness with one and sympathetic labour with another) or give birth to them. I shared them with their biological mothers until they could be Mum in their own right (with 4 not until they were adult, and 2 went to live with their Father at 5 & 6).
I was divorced and met the love of my life who I had 20 wonderful years with. He proposed and sadly died as we were planning our wedding 10.05 years ago. My biggest regret is that we couldn’t have children. Not because I wanted `a baby’ but because I would have loved to have created a person who shared both of our genes.
I completely agree about borrowing a baby for at least a weekend or one of those dolls for a week that cannot be turned off.
I understand your fear re divorce if you have children, but although children add stress and joy to a marriage what breaks it is a breakdown in communication and a lack of pulling together not the child/children.
The urge for a child is NOT a myth but nor is it for everyone.
If you truly don’t see Motherhood as being part of your life then don’t get pressurized into it. Continue to have a furry family that can be in every way as loving, frustrating, demanding and a massive bonus in life as children can be.
Whatever you Both decide, decide together (honestly) and live your decision regardless of other people’s views.
An alternative way of being involved in a child’s life is sponsorship, something my SO and I did for a girl in Nepal for 16 years when she aged out of the program. But we ensured her education + treats, her village got water & toilets. She may not be my child but I made a difference to her life and her communities.
Good luck with your decision, and all the best what ever it is. Lucy

Great post and I appreciate you sharing. You’re asking the right questions on this decision. One thing to note, if you don’t have children, your marriage will still change/evolve as you both grow along the way. There will be ups and downs without kids, which you noted. My husband and I were on the fence about having kids when we got married. If we could have them, great, but we already knew what our limits were to having a biological child if we needed medical assistance. I donated eggs out of grad school and it was intense. My father in law died unexpectedly. While we walked the grounds of the hospital to get out of the room, we chatted about kids. We decided that later that year, we would give it a go. Life threw us a curve ball and we knew that’s what we needed to make the decision. There is nothing to prepare you for new motherhood. If you’re truly on the fence, ask one of your friends to keep their kid for the weekend. Seriously. Overnight isn’t enough. You need a couple of days/nights to see and feel that impact on your life. Maybe it’s positive. Maybe it’s a disaster. At least it gives you a real feel. I love being a mom and seeing my husband as a father. It has not been easy on both of us personally. but we are working together to find the right balance we both crave and need. Wow, that’s hella long, but a honest response from someone that didn’t know if she wanted to have kids.

I love this, B. I wish we could sit down with coffee or cocktails and talk all about it.

First, I’m so sorry about Luna, I can’t say it enough. I know she is family to you and it’s unimaginably hard to lose a family member. There are no words I could say to help, but I just hope that time is helping you all heal.

Now here’s a little of our back and forth story, if it helps shed any light.

Ryan and I never really specifically talked about kids, we just sort of assumed that we’d end up on the same page. When it was just us, life was such an adventure — traveling, running our businesses, etc. — and I loved it that way. We started talking about whether we wanted kids about 3 years after we got married (I got married at 30, so a little on the older side), and we could never nail down whether we were a yes or a no. I didn’t want to lose our lifestyle. Finally one day Ryan asked me to picture us with no kids at 50 or 60 and asked how I would feel about that. And right away I knew that I wouldn’t have any regrets, but I felt like I would be kind of… bored. (No offense to Ryan, haha!) So we decided to try when the time felt right and a few months later I was pregnant with Henry.

Then we had Henry and he was a dream and life definitely changed, but not for the worse. A space opened up for him to fill and it was kind of like we were the trio that we were meant to be. After that I was even LESS sure that I wanted a second kid. I hated being pregnant, hated giving birth, HATED having a newborn. It felt so scary and out of control. But then Henry got to be around 5-6 months and I finally started feeling in control as a mom, and shortly after that, in control as my own person again. (Because that’s a thing too! I want to be a great mom AND a great woman AND a great businessperson, and they’re all different things.) So we talked a little about it and we realized we wanted Henry to have an ally in life (especially when we get old, so he didn’t have to go it alone), and someone to challenge him and love him in a way that we can’t. So we decided to have another. And yes, I hated being pregnant the second time too. Ugh. UGGGGHHHHH.

And now. Maggie is here, and it’s funny — I think of the times when it was just the two of us or even just the three of us and I get a homesick feeling for now, when it’s the four of us. It feels complete and neither of us have any desire for any more kids. We’re us. And we still travel and have adventures and for ME it feels way harder but so much more rewarding. To see Henry see New York for the first time, the city where we fell in love? Or to watch Maggie on the beach in Mexico discovering sand? Sometimes it’s almost too much to take.

Kids are certainly not for everyone, and that is as it should be (I wish I could underline that seventeen times). And I don’t know where you are in your decision or your journey. But just so you know, life opens up space for everything that you want. It might come in seasons, but you CAN have it all. Love you! xo

Thank you for writing about this! I feel like it’s not covered much these days. We struggled with the decision and ultimately decided to have children (second one due any day now). We’ve never been those people who love on babies or go out of their way to play with kids, and I will admit the baby phase wasn’t my favorite. We gave up a good amount of the time we used to spend traveling and doing our hobbies. But we also really love hanging out with the person we’ve made and are raising. There are really frustrating and scary aspects to parenting. There are also really amazing moments. I think what tipped the scales for us is that we never managed to find a single person who regretted having children. If there are pieces of parenting that really concern you, try to find people who have found creative ways of dealing with them. For instance, we have friends that take their small children traveling all over the world!

It’s almost like you reached into my brain and put all my thoughts and feelings into writing! My husband and I are only 30 and 28, respectively, and this is a constant topic of conversation from family. Apparently the answer, “we’re happy how things are right now” is not sufficient. I am generally good at letting things go, but that line of questioning is starting to wear me out. Any advice on how to respectfully, yet firmly tell your family that your reproduction is none of their business?

Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful post, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your pup. As someone who still misses her childhood dog, I can empathize with how you’re feeling <3

I’m a woman/mother who turns, yuck, 65 next month. I am not a grandmother, my 42 year old daughter has a wonderful career, she works for Comprehensive Cancer Center in Las Vegas and loves it. She told me years ago, “Mom I don’t want children, what do you think.” I looked at her a long time and finally said, “why does it matter what I think”, this is YOUR decision, YOUR body, YOUR life.”
My generation was told to marry young have children young and take care of both until your die, oy vey! I was told that I would never have children due to a serious illness/surgery I had when I was 5, so I never gave children a second thought. She was a big surprise believe me when at age 22 I was told I was pregnant, my husband and I divorced 1 1/2 later, his decision. I have been married to my second husband for 34 years, he raised my daughter, in fact, people think she is his not mine. Hence, my long windedness, Brittni, you do what you think is right for you and your husband. I love reading about your travels and your life, maybe a little jealous in the freedom you have at such a young age. Each to their own as I have always said. Vicky

That’s a real conundrum that apparently a lot of women face. I never did. I always knew that I wanted children. My daughter on the other hand has always said she didn’t. She’s been married almost a year now and is helping her husband raise the child from his previous marriage. She’s known the child since the child was not quite two years old and loves her very much. But it’s a big change to go from single to wife with family in one fell swoop. She’s 35. Her clock is ticking and she’s in the
“Should we/shouldn’t we have another one” boat. She flip-flops back and forth, back and forth. I wasn’t a lot help when she asked me how I knew that having children was what I really wanted….. I just knew and always had known that I wanted to have a family. Maybe that’s where the difference lies? For me it was not a question of did I want to have a baby, the question was did I want to have a family? And while family can encompass many variations on that theme, for me it meant a husband and children and hopefully grandchildren. If I couldn’t have had a biological child, we’d have adopted children. My daughter has a child who, although not her biological child and a child that must be shared with her biological mother, she considers her child. Her question should be “Do I want another child?” I told her that her father and I never thought we’d ever have a grandchild. More would be great but we’re grateful to have the one we’ve got!

I’m so grateful that you shared this post! I’ve been batting this question around in my mind too with so many of the same particulars. I’m also not one of those people that held a baby and was like, “oh yeah this is it!” I think a lot of that is hype, like love at first sight. I’m sure it exists, but it’s less common than you think.

FINALLY someone is talking about this. I am perpetually HOUNDED by questions about when I’m getting married and when I’m having kids to the point that my general response is “February 30, 2020”

My peers are constantly asking me when my bf of 10 years and I will finally commit. We have 2 cats together, we share an apartment, we have been together through thick and thin. How is that not a commitment?

Even my mother, who is a hardcore traditionalist, has given up on the idea of marriage and is just asking for a grandchild. Like come on! It feels like my every accomplishment as a person and as a successful attorney are null just because I don’t want to get married or have kids (at least for now). Like let me live! Amiright?

I totally am in a similar boat. I’m just a hair younger (30) and I’m wondering when we want to have kids (or kid singular?). We haven’t had many serious conversations about it, and I’m sure I’d like one. As in singular. But when? And should we have two? I don’t really want two, but I feel like kids with siblings tend to have improved experiences (which I know is subjective, but it’s still something to think about). And if I want multiple, isn’t my clock running out soon? Because I would want to space them out. And I also, too, see the kids that need homes, and we all know we don’t need more help with humans in the world. Some of these thoughts are more unimportant than others, but these are certainly things that run through my head. So anyway — that’s my long winded reply to tell you: I totally feel ya.

I so appreciate you posting this. I’ve known for a while that I don’t ever want to give birth to a baby. I’ve come to the conclusion that, for me, being pregnant would feel very violating and I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I feel that way about my own body. I’ve mostly been open to having kids through some other means (mostly because it’s just always assumed that I/women will have kids or want to be a mom), but haven’t worried too much about it because I’m only 25 and I haven’t felt the pressing need to make any child related decisions before now. I’ve been thinking about it a bit more recently though because my partner is 37 and that seems to change the whole “I’ve got time” mentality. It’s not anything we have talked much about and he hasn’t implied that he wants kids any time soon (he is gloriously go-with-the-flow), but I still feel like it is something I have to think about. Even though I couldn’t financially support a child right now and I don’t particularly want anything about my life to change.
Thank you for posting this. It’s reassuring to read other women’s thoughts and concerns about whether or not to have a baby and to have a place to share my own.

Your honesty is refreshing! I “always wanted kids” and fate played a cruel trick as I can’t. Another door opened and I walked right on through it. My life and my heart are happy!

Whether you have a biological child, adopt/foster or keep on coupling… you will be fine as long as you stay honest with each other! Thanks for opening up.

Thank you for writing this, you summed up my thoughts on this perfectly! I’m 30 and single and have always been in the maybe category. I’m wary of giving up that luxury of travel or when my lease is up, moving on a whim. (I’ve moved cross country twice and halfway cross country twice). Even if I was with the love of my life, I’d still be a maybe, for all those reasons you listed above. So if you find that secret to life (or this dilemma), let me know!

I knew all my life that I didn’t want kids. Everyone I told would say “oh you say that now but you just wait, one day it’ll be all you can think about.” But I just knew that it was never my plan. I even worked at a preschool for a while with the 6 week – 12 month old babies and I loved them so much, but still never wanted any of my own.
My boyfriend and I had been together for three years and were actually in this weird place where he knew he wanted kids someday and I knew that I didn’t, but we loved each other and didn’t want to break up so we were kind of just avoiding it I guess. April 20, 2017 we found out I was pregnant. Fast forward, my boyfriend is now my husband, we bought a bigger house to have more room for the baby, and we now have a gorgeous two and a half week old baby boy and I am so in love.
Now when people say to me “and you said you never wanted kids!” I just say “I don’t. I just want this one.” 🙂

I’m pregnant and I still don’t know if I want kids! We started trying because we thought the regret of not having kids would be greater than the regret of having them. Granted – it’s still early for us, I’m only 10 weeks pregnant but at the moment I can only think of how it will change our lives (and not necessarily for the better). For me when I look at many people who really want kids, they want to be needed, loved, wanted, fulfilled, and I am those things anyway I don’t feel like I need a child/baby for this. Also then I think that my negative thoughts might make me ungrateful and miscarry or something (silly I know!) so I completely understand your thought process and you’re not alone in it.

If all goes ok with my stomach I’ll let you know how it turns out later in the year haha!

This was a cool personal post. Thanks for sharing.
http://sugarcoatedbears.blogspot.com/